Chapter 5
Y314 started writing a letter to no one that will never be sent anywhere.
"The scrivener would have to have been sure about what he wanted to scribe. Palm leaves are not digital documents that can be revised many times over. Forged by necessity, his thoughts were clear. I am thankful for computers though. I need to type to make sense of complex situations. I am using paper today. I cannot promise to be concise.
A former mentor loves dogs. Just moments ago it occurred to me that he understood a dog's love or needs better than he did a human's need to feel and express something similar. I feel like calling him and saying a four letter word and you. To his credit, he did keep me sane; maybe even saved my life. I overdosed on his prescription though. That is not his fault. There are others who could have done better by me. I as well. It also set me off on a journey. Every road less traveled which I have taken has brought me new insights. In hindsight, I would trade all this knowledge for an innocent affection which is what I wanted in the first place and the want has been there for as long as I can remember. The more I think, the further back in years it goes. It cannot be my fault that that feeling gets mixed with all the rest of the human needs, let alone wants. If it is wrong then it is a Design flaw. Four letter word for that as well.
I thought my need for physical intimacy was going to overpower me, the way things were heading, the habits that I was acquiring. It surprises me to learn that that is not true. I suspect that our experiences tune us differently. In the end, the need is not a zero. You get it in different ways. That also means there are others with different levels of needs. There are also those who make a profession of it to satisfy those needs. Individual freedom and mutual consent are sacrosanct. Have to be. What is life otherwise? It applies to any two entities. Then there are the design flaws or simply Design. There is no consenting food; only apples of temptation. Could some contradictions be eliminated by deviating from Design?
After reaching this level of understanding and acceptance, I replay a friend exercising her freedom, out of necessity, with a strange determination. I vaguely sense a yearning for something else in her and for fleeting moments I hear it and see it, I think. It is not her choices but a suppressed emotion that made me want to react, or so I think. It is also possible that there's nothing special about the situation and she enjoys or at least could enjoy what she does as a job like any other job; and it is the hidden feeling that is coming in the way... so I think. I spent many a restless day unable to reconcile the perceived contradiction but as I write now, I feel calmer. I may have come to a partial understanding or touched upon something she might actually be thinking herself.
My affection for her is genuine. Maybe someday I will also feel proud of her work when she genuinely starts feeling proud herself and when I finally start sensing it.
Also, sometimes, showing affection can be a hindrance. I have had days when I would rather not take comfort from others when I know what they offer only opens me to more hurt. It is better to stay numb during a fight."
He needed to use the bathroom. He took a few extra moments staring at the mirror after washing his hands. He wasn't looking at anything in particular or thinking anything. There was a clam space and he liked it.
When he came back to the desk, the letter to no one was not there anymore.
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