a mill, a donkey and tangents

I said 'No' to something which I thought I will never do.

When I have said 'No' to something in the past, I have kept saying 'No'.

When I have declared such things in the past, they stop being true... sometimes.

Is there a special kind of tiredness or laziness that makes you act like a donkey on the mill? Where you can do one thing very well tirelessly but do absolutely nothing else? A strange concoction of fear, indifference, apathy, sadness and... loss... a tendency to be solitary to go with it keep you away from people who are, in a universe of objects ever growing distant, still the closest, outside work.  What excuse can you give for being an absentee 'anything' and still claim to be caring? Is that even a possibility? What if I consider myself imprisoned? Does that work? An average of 8 months spent in a 1Km radius with a brief venture for not more than a few hours into an 8km radius at the end of it must qualify as one? What about someone having to be everything to himself and since some of himself was not feeling up to it? No? Load of garbage? Sounds just about right.

If and when this donkey leaves the mill it will take off on a tangent. I will write about that if it happens.

In moments like this I start feeling like Humphrey Bogart... guess the name of the movie.

People (ha ha) associate with this prisoner in solitary confinement at their own risk.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/27735353@N08/4190681708/sizes/m/in/photostream/
Saw one such owl recently... in the moonlight.  staring straight at me...T'was surreal

30? 29? 32? 92?

One of those.

A few days more than eight years have passed since the day I secured my first job. My only job. And that's the only thing I have done well at which someone else would acknowledge as such. I have done my best to wipe clean any semblance of normalcy from everything else. I seem to be winning. I am not sure if that is a good thing. I am not a workaholic. It is just that everything else seems be more flawed. In fact, I have hardly ever worked. I just do what fancies me.

I have an elephantine memory for certain things and I am oblivious to some others. Time seems to pass at a different pace as a result. Biology has a clock that runs differently though. You were one of the new kids on the block and now there is a fresh bunch. There were fresh faces earlier too, but now it seems to matter for the first time. All your mentors are disappearing and you have turned into a mentor when you thought you could carry on with your merry freshness forever. Or may be I have just misread things. Stay foolish. Really. I think no one grows up, it is just that others grow up under you, whether you want it that way or not.

I am not a go-getter. I am not a high flyer. I am not many things. I have never intended to be.  " 'I' is a very fluid concept right now". It has been so always. There has never been a definition possible. Not even that it is utterly undefinable. An ego's strength varies only in kind. As for degrees, it has just one. It exists, until death do it done.

If I don't write here there's verbiage elsewhere. But one of these days I will write something really simple, true and pleasant :-)

http://www.worldsparrowday.org/

PS: Save the sparrows.