permeation

Warm winter reaches its zenith, though the mercury disagrees with me. May be I have a fever. That thermometer has not been seen in a while, touch wood. Try as I may, I am not able to focus on work. I knew this would happen, when I took that vacation. I am not exactly longing to be elsewhere either. And the times are hard in the industry. Time to call yourself a resource and mine. But, I am either on or off. Just two states. There is that listless restlessness creeping in. I can see the end of this coming some days or months later, yet, if I have to trust my own judgment and ability to avoid self fulfilling prophecies, it is very clear -- it could end in a patented, rock bottom -- something that is good for work and nothing else -- just a launch pad to the next rock bottom -- as in, back to the very foundations of existence. I am not too far up the building right now either. Rock bottom, is not bad. It is self feeding and rather nice. You can become a perfect machine. Things become simple and clear. Let me not elaborate further. I observe, that the writing has become predictable and monotonous, history just repeating itself and precessing towards a dead beat. There is nothing I want to write about, despite the best of encouragements. Ironic. And, my perennial source of inspiration is something I am unwilling to explore any further. I intend to see the end through, if at all it is coming. Lately, I have been more willing to let the connections go idle until necessary... seems very natural. Thoughts of wanting to do something, to learn and to try are now tiring. Sleep is about the most enjoyable thing at the moment.... who knows? may be this is another transformation in progress...